During lunch today, my colleague S asked why is HR suddenly so desperate to get all of us to clear leave by Sep? I explained that it is a cost to them if they were to retrench us. It suddenly rang alarm bells for the first time since gloomy news of the recession has been going around. Shit, you mean that all this while I was still in la-la land???? I didn't realised this until S discussed about this???? OMGGGG!!!!!!! I didn't make any plans for myself. I stupidly thought I could hang on to this job forever........

Just only over the weekend I had argued with my mum (yet again.......). My mum was very against me bringing jeff to ent for behavioural testing and avt every 2 weeks. She finds it expensive and she also wants to delay the CI op even if Dr Lynne gives the green light. I argued wif her if jeff grows up to be developing much slower are we going to delay school for 2 years just like that Indonesian toddler? Or are we going to send jeff to the School for the deaf? My dad butted in and stopped the argument.

This is never ending. My mum and I have very different views on all sorts of issues and recently, our differences can be so varied that we will stand at opposite ends of the spectrum.

It was very discouraging for me. To me, it means that my son will have no future. As far as I know, the School for the Deaf does not award any paper qualifications that will allow graduates to carve a decent living for themselves. I seriously do not know of anyone who have managed to earn a living using their cert.

To me, going for the op will mean bringing jeff a means of living. The op will cost at least S$60k. Even if I keep $60K and willed it to Jeff, he will not be able to live on it. If we work on the basis a person needs $12k per year to live on, this money will run out in 5 years. So where does it leave Jeff? There is no place for him in society. Government is not going to clothe him or shelter him. They will also expect him to work for his own living. There's no shelter for the homeless or homes for the jobless.

After the op, at least to me, Jeff will have a chance in mainstream school, to earn the bare minimum educational qualification. At least keep a job that will see that he does not starve to death when I die.

Labels: CI, cochlear implant, retrench, school for the deaf

I really hate this when people do this. They would pretend they are scolding somebody else. But in actual fact, after u think abt it, they are scolding you. it is very prentious and sneaky.

my parents in law are textbook examples.

yesterday, when we were at his parents' plc, it was mil's b-day. throughout the whole day, his parents only told my bb to call DH papa. Nothing abt mama. they dun even want to mention it. and my parents kept teaching DS papa and mama. when i'm feeding DS, they kept walking in and distracting him. what's the f**king point? In their black hearts, it's only their son and grandson.

DS is one particular fellow who does not drink milk once his realises there are other pple ard. i have told DH tat before, However, he refuses to communicate this to his parents. so i fed him for 3 solid hours with his parents walking in and out, blasting music and musical alarm clock at DS. In the end, he only finished 3/4 of the bottle. already i find DS too slim and his appetite very small and poor. this aggrevates me alot. bcos i'm trying very hard for him to put on decent amts of weight and there they are trying very hard to get his attention. all want to fight for his attention. but meal time shld take priority. his parents dun understand this. it's very frustrating. then still can tell me, they brought DH home every weekend when he was young. so i shld also do it. pls lah. last time policeman wear shorts. fil is working as a civil servant and mil is working as counter operator. u can just do watever you like, go to work half asleep also ok. i have no help at home and my work has a lot of stupid meetings and i'm very sleepy during meetings. i have already been caught twice by my own boss and countless time by my line manager for falling asleep during meetings.

fine. then the show must go on.

we left their place at abt 5+pm and went to shop ard for bb's stuff. he was still short of a bathtub, spoon and liquid baby bath. i also needed a cooler bag to transport ebm. by the time we bought everything and finished dinner, it was already 9.30pm. no cab. so reached back hm at 10.30pm. gave bb a top tail wipe and went back to my parents' plc. as usual DH called home to report to his parents. he was told off by fil, didn't spare a tot for bb, went home late, told him not to go running to them when he got prob. actually they are scolding me. cos i was the one who needed to buy stuff.

previously, DH and i had a big fight and he went home to complain to his parents abt my attitude and all his grouses. his parents actually called the following day during lunch and questioned me what happened.

sometimes, i feel i should just tell off his parents and tell them wat a 'perfect husband' DH was. But i feel, when his father called, i have no business to go abt telling them my side of the story. it is not what they want to hear. in their hearts, their son is always blameless and perfect. i am always the devil.

Labels: father in law, mother in law

after abt 3 tunings for the past 4 months, DS' hearing aids are now tuned to the optimum. (sync with the results of his detailed hearing test) these days, life is very hectic. i have gone back to work, therapy sessions are are on average once a month. after that, we will need to do 'homework', revise the therapy session with DS.

we can see some slight improvements, DS will sometimes look at us when we 'talk' to him or peep at us when we call him. then of course, he misbehaves also.

he will purposely ignore us when we call him or become so glued to the tv that he ignores everything and everybody. Yes! He is a super tv addict! He loves watching tv serials with my parents in the evening.

i do not know what is life going to be like for the next few months. but it will definitely change. DS is going for a detailed hearing test next month. to see if his hearing has worsen or improved. this will give the doctor a clear sign where to move on from here.

Labels: deaf, hearing aids, hearing test

Actually I have forgotten what I wanted to write. Every morning, I do have a topic in mind. However, I am very scatterbrained. It's gone by the time I sit in front of the pc.

January's already coming to an end. It is very late to be posting this now. In my mind there are a few plans in mind. I call them plans instead of resolutions. Because these are not something just for 2009.

I learnt from my new boss that in life, one needs goals. It's just like work. Goals for 2009. Short term goals = 1 to 3 years. Mid term goals = 3 to 5 years. Long term goals = 5 years and above. I am wasting my time in office now. Not doing work or spending time with Jeff. Not knowing what I should do. Sure, we have set targets for 2009. They don't appeal to me. I no longer relish the 'challenges' that they are giving me.

Supposedly, I am to go back to graduate school this year. My new boss asked me, "What's your goal in life?" That stumped me. "Are you going for management positions like CFO, financial controller? If not, your MBA is not going to be worth anything. It will just be another general degree in your bag. What do you like? If you are good at numbers, you could take ACCA, instead of being the generalist, you should specialise." I really wonder, had he heard something from the grapevines about my previous portfolio? At that moment, I thought, "Great! I have met my benefactor. He seems to read me like a book. These were the exact ideas I was tossing around before I settled for the decision for the MBA." Now this is not so simple. Going back to school with a baby is virtually impossible. He relies on me for everything. On the other hand, if I still do not make the step to go back to school, I may not be able to meet my long term goals.

Short term goals:
Save $200 every month into the joint accounts
Sell / donate off all my unwanted stuff

Mid term goals:
Go back to school (MBA / ACCA - must decide)

Long term goals:
Work at home
Be a full time mum to Jeff
Go for a world tour
Teach
Finish my piano grades (stopped at grade 4)

Labels: MBA ACCA family baby finance

Jeff had a long and bad nite. He threw up after I mentioned, "wah, you eat until stomach so full and round...." My mum chided me immediately after I said that. Jeff misbehaves everytime we say some something nice about him. My strange baby..... My parents had to change and comfort him through the night.

This morning, the exchange between my mum and I:

Mum: Does DH need to leave home so early every morning?
Me: He is going for driving this morning. He has delayed it for the longest time and the advance threory results are expiring soon.
Mum: That's why I say if you want to do anything or study, do it before you settle down. You don't study when you are old. By then the cert becomes worthless. What can you do with the cert? Will anybody still employ you with this new higher qualification?

History: DH works in shifts. There had been a time when he constantly worked afternoon, only going early to work on days where he has meetings.

My mum had recently screwed me on New Year's morning the moment she woke up and saw me. "Why was it that today is a public holiday and none of you took care of Jeff last night?????" My retort: "I had a long night the previous night, sleeping at 4am. I am really tired last night." "Oh. Then why didn't you tell DH to take care of Jeff????? Aren't both of you his parents??????"

There had been a prior argument on night care arrangements as Jeff simply refuses to sleep when it's our bedtime for the past few weeks.

Recently, my own sleep is cut to just 5 hrs per night. I have to sit in the living room and try to 'persuade' Jeff to go to sleep. Always fails. My mum have to take over and entertain him.

Mum, could you pls not entertain him? I am really feeling very exhausted. The more you entertain, the more I cannot function at work. I am really tired and falling asleep at my desk all the time........

Labels: baby sleeping patterns family husband mum

DH, stop issuing blank cheques to me and showing me a foul face. Only I have the right to show you the f*** face. You have promised to help me with everything at home, from what I see, you have only said that to soothe my ruffled feathers and have me go home willingly with you.

Every evening, after work, over at my parents' place, you wash a few dishes, 'wash' (= only a rinse) the occasional toilet, wash a couple of milk bottles and you give up and lie in bed. Complaining to me, "Baby, I had a long day, I am bringing home the bacon. Can't I have some rest?" or "I didn't sleep well last night, I had a whole night of leg cramps. Can't you at least show some concern?" Do you realise that to be a parent, it means sacrifice? I don't think you get the whole idea of parenting. You think it is just bonding with DS. It is so selfish of you, only wanting to bond with DS and not have anything else to do with him.

I have sprained my wrist. You have accompanied me to the chinese sinseh. After that, did you help me with any of the washing when we got home? Nope, I was still pottering around with all the washing, milk bottles etc. Sunday, you went back to your parents' place as usual, "baby, I'm not coming home for dinner. Having dinner with my parents". My wrist? Not a single word from you. Painful on a Monday? Sure. Plus all the usual "cracks" to loosen the wrist joint (some more that sinseh, still warn me not to do that, so as to allow the wrist to heal slowly). Can I help it? No, I need to carry on all my usual routines and go to work.

During the weekend, you claim, "Got move, have to OT." or "I have team gathering" or "I am going to my parents' place, not coming home for dinner". So, where the shit does that leave me with? I have to stay at home and slog through all the milk bottles washing, sterilisers descaling, wipe downs, baths, feedings, packing, pottering in the house and not fogetting, my mum's grumpiness. When I go back to my own home, it will also be the same, except, minus my mum's grumpiness. But, I will have no time to eat, as I will be alone so busy with Jeff.

DH, Jeff's is also your DS. Yes, your parents are willing to pay for his op. So you have 1 load of your mind. Money cannot solve everything. You will still need to cloth, feed, care and sayang DS. It doesn't mean that my parents are willing to do everything for him, we should push all these responsibilities to them. At my parents' place, you push these to my parents. So at home, you will just shove all these to me plus tackling all the other household duties.

Yes, of course I know. Ideally I take care of my son and be a SAHM. Do you have enough? Yes, I control the finances. I have worked out, we can't balance the books at all. Yet, you insist that I do magic. Even your own parents can tell you, "you cannot tell you wife not to work, her family is depending on her". Yet, do you really understand what they have told you? You have not gotten around the markets long enough to really see that the price of your everyday food have increased at least 2 folds. You even tell me to cut back, sacrifice and make do. Yes, sure we can do that. At health's expense. Everyday eat salted fish and porridge lor. Everyday, eat cheap ta pao food.

FYI - our DS had a fantastically round face during my confinement. All thanks to my parents' tonics. The breastmilk was very packed full of nutrition for him. Now? He doesn't like to drink milk. I also cut back on my own diet, to ensure I can balance the books. Like what you say - Make do. The difference is very prominent. You can do the comparison with the photos.

Jeff, mummy really misses you a lot........